Day #1 of Journaling Journey (Not Everyday Is Like This and That’s OK)

Today started off with Sahur, after months of pushing myself to pay off my fasts.

So that’s one win.

Then a stumble; as I felt sorry for my sleepy deprived-of-movement body, I laid down to rest.

Feeling guilty, I started scrolling to engage in virtual conversations, all while my head was still rested on the pillow.

“I’m fasting, so I should rest more today,” comes the following whisper.

But my hands were scrolling and typing and gaping to start whatever conversation I could get.

Messy. There was no direction. Plus the net was super noisy with each individual’s own chaos, especially threads. Too many complaints. Most complaints were directed about how others should or should not conduct.

Shit. A bad start to the day. Now my head was filled with unnecessary noise, and it was pulling me down to sink even deeper into my rest.

What happened next, I’m gonna be forever grateful for.

A simple yet genuine post, encouraging us to stay discipline, especially when it’s the opposite of what we wanted to do. Nothing new, just a strong purposeful reminder. It sparked a bit of positivity back. 

I decided to make today a productive day.

Folded my quilt. Took time to find a comfortable attire, having in mind I would be spending the whole rest of the day grinding in the office. 

My head though - it was still noisy. I could sense it. On the way to work I played and internalized Surah Al-Mulk. Over, and over, and over again. I felt the world slowed down, that it was kinder. Allah’s words. In the most angry of Surah, His words are still surrounded by His Gentleness and His Care. Soft, loving, like velvety cushion.

I felt immense gratitude for the beauty and the vastness of the universe. This. How Allah creates layers and layers of universe onto each other, and we are to care for a tiny planet in all of His Glory called Earth. Subhanallah. Subhanallah. Subhanallah.

And at work I grinded myself.

I wrote down the agenda of the day. Made clean my calendar.

Another win.

More outside noise - but this time I could handle it, I could draw the line.

And after 4 hours at work, I wanted to call it quits.

Asked others what made them stay at work knowing their family is at home where they could spend time with. One shared, “I come home, then who will pay the bills to continue to shelter my family?” And for once, I understood better the struggle of a provider of the family. May Allah bless all providers of their families and may they always be in Allah’s care and sustenance. 

So I borrowed his energy, and I stayed on. Called 8 people, 3 answered. 1 rejected, 1 maybe, 1 allowed me to meet-up to share further. That’s a win. 

The rejection was a win too - I always enjoyed a conversation when the exchange was genuine and mutual. This taught me to stay honest for when I need to place my boundaries - stay humble and truthful. A simple no has yet to kill anyone, and you’d be surprised with the bond you get to create by staying honest.

Right now I’m feeling beaten up. But I’m making myself write today down.

That’s another win.

Alhamdulillah wa Shukr liRasulillah.

#Stayingconsciousisthekey

Al-Hadi

 Caught.

Drenched.

Mind racing with thoughts.

Words scrambling, eyes dazed.

Heart tightened with shame.

As the wheels turn, cars sped past.

As I was about to reach for autopilot,

Your hand grazed me.

And there it was, Your presence seemed to say

"Be still now love, tomorrow we fight another day." 

So there I stayed, consumed in Your warm embrace.

And as I uttered Your Name I knew, You've held onto mine light years before this day.

What makes a human humane

Hmm in retrospect to my previous post, evidently creating punishment doesnt work on the kids. It backfired, they rebel further and soon they showed their own fangs. I got fighters - these little humans are deep rooted on their individual selves enough to know to defend themselves when threatened. So that should be a good thing. 

Its tricky this time. Three is indeed a crowd. Ive got 3 totally different individuals who have yet to learn much about themselves, so they are facing quite a challenge trying to interact and learn from each other.

I got one highly sensitive kid who struggles to control her aggression towards her sisters. She feels everything, and she feels them so much deeper. The trick, is to be there and just ride through her waves of emotions. Sounds easy? Not at all for me. Im a straight-forward person who deals with issues head on. So I dont dwell with feelings too much. So to have to sit through someone else's emotions when I lack them myself is a great challenge for me. I guess its similar for some others too. So, feelings. Feelings are important. Feelings are important. To take my time and ride the waves through my own feelings. That takes practise. It takes strong self-awareness to be able to identify what exactly am I dealing with..

That brings me to my mini-me - a suppressor. She often go quiet when scolded and soon she can continue playing as if nothing happened. Then she will whine on normal days (i assume its to steam off those suppressed feelings she had previously) and that will easily flip me out. Because then she will attempt with all her might, to find fault or complain about everything - why her pillow is one arm away, why her milk is not hot (when she has been drinking normal temp milk all her life), why am I talking, why is her hair on her head, why did I make her bread that she asked for etc etc. Again, rideee through the waves of emotionss - and we shall pass.

The last one. The last one learns, very fast. You do it once and you will notice your reenachment many many many times. She follows both good and bad traits, and she often "doesnt care", as she would say when we ask her to do something. And it seems everybody "is very naughty". 🤷‍♀️ I really dont like to use negative words like naughty and its heartbreaking when your kiddos use it unsparingly. A rebel - definitely will do the total opposite of whats told.

I guess the strategy is always the same - take the time to understand their pov and thus react with grace. Its a simple concept where we take the time to allow everyone to be heard. And yet at the same time i need to acknowledge that I too am human and listening to the daily demands of three little humans require a lot of effort and consciousness on my part. Efforts and energy depletes, thus consciousness can be compromised. 

To ensure I make time for myself and I also make time for the kids, and I also make time for my darling husband, and to still be able to be in touch with other family and friends, is in itself its own struggle. 

But above all else is definitely to take care ones self. Ive lost touch with myself - my own masirah. 

What I need to do for myself on a daily basis from 24 July - 24 Aug:

♡wake up at 5 - pray taubat/hajat, recite ahdan

♡10am: recite 2 pages of the Qur'an 

♡10.30am: 20mins exercise

♡11 am: plan the day - activity/food/prep

♡11.30 - 12.45 sleep

EVERYTHING, IN EXCESS, AND THEN MORE

 Here it is.

As of now my eyes are open, to how the lifestyle Ive been shaping for the family; fully-clothed, well-fed and chronically entertained; is actually slowly destroying their our sense of empathy and compassion for others.

1- I need to stop babying them. If they can walk, they walk. If they are tired, we rest. If today is a school day, today is a school day. If they fall, they pick themselves up. If they need something, they take it themselves. They fear something, they face it. They dont like whats on the menu, they dont eat. They want something that they dont need, when they are big enough to buy them they are welcome to.

I used to think that by babying them I can make these kids see how I've been giving so that they can be giving themselves. I was wrong. Ive made these kids think that life is all about them and no one else matter. Thats not how reality works does it.

2- When they make a mistake, they face the consequences that come with it. If it means I have to instill some form of punishment to help them understand, then I will need to do so. 

Ofcourse this does not mean I can abuse, humiliate or disrespect them. 

3- Allow as much pain and hurt as I would allow happiness in their lives.  If they cry, they cry. If they feel pain, then they feel pain. If they are angry, then they are angry. This is how the world is - it consists of both wins and losses. And thats how everybody experiences life. Protecting them now doesnt help them to see the world as it is, it just denies them the pleasure of living to their full potential. 

4- I have to let them resolve their problems themselves. If they fight, and hurt each other in the process, then so be it. This is a tough one for me. Here's the mentality behind this: my job is to make them develop into a preson who can resolve conflicts, not to ensure they dont experience any hurt or pain. Reality is that they will, and they need to, in order to learn to better themselves.

5- Buy only what I need, eat only what I need, use only whats needed. I have to stop buying things I dont need, eating excessively, and being online when I dont need to be. Anything in excess is not mine to begin with. 

I got to be the one to know my limit, if I want my kids to learn to know theirs. 

This is it. A new beginning. A new plan. A new mindset.

FAMILY

 Today's discussion reminds me of how my state and life choice right now, is the total opposite of what my family defines success. When I say family, I'm including all the aunts and uncles, the whole extended version of it all. 

I may be wrong tho, but the vibe I got growing up was that, the only career that matter(ed) were those that comes with status ie doctor or lawyer or in my family, mum hoped I became an ustazah.

Even if Im not any of those above, to mum, which she was clear about especially recently, if Im not working, ie generating income of my own, Im not benefiting the society. 

When these topics of money or working comes up with her, I often laugh it off - knowing full well explaining to her about the purpose of my life choice will not be something she can comprehend, or relate with. 

Did it affect me then? I didnt think so. 

Does it affect me now thinking about it? Its more, disappointment. Because if she can relate or understand, means she can morally support me, which i guess must be a nice feeling to have.

But does it change my decision to stay home and focus my time solely on my kids? Absolutely not.

Im not blaming her tho. I used to bluntly go against her and told her "to be a mum and quit her job", so I m not one to hold in against her when she speaks her mind about my own parenting as well.😅

This post does not intend to disregard those who choose to work tho, or decide some other strategy for their family. In fact, it serves as a form of encouragement I hope. Cause if you need to work for example, or if you need your husband to stay home for the kids - to be the best of yourself to your family, then dont let anyone tell you otherwise. At the end of the day, all you need is just that quality time with your family. And Ive been honest when I say this to a few of my working mom friends, I honestly dont know how they can put their 100% at work, and come home to continue giving 100% to their family. And do it again the next day with vigor. It is something I have yet to be able to do, and its trully inspiring to see how strong a human being can be both inside and out.

Till date, Im more than convinced that the only way I can be the best version of myself to my family is if I focus most days on it (ofcourse not at all times, im a human being. You think im crazy??). 

I was not raised to know how to mom, nor did I learn to do so in school. Neither did I miraculously 'just know' exactly what to do or not to do right after my first child goes through my birth canal. 

I need time, to learn about my child, to learn about the phases a person goes through growing up, to learn about human behaviours, to learn about myself, in order to deliver this new found responsibility as a parent. Among other things.

Ofcourse, Ive set a time I will go back to 'work', which may be in a form of a job or maybe not. This is, afterall, the process of my life journey. 

Ultimately, how a person chooses to live his or her life should be entirely up to them. Sometimes all each of us need is a little faith, not only in Allah 'azza wajal, but also in each other. 

Although there are those few who may be nassicists, but generally I truly believe we all begin with good intention. 

We gotto listen to HSM when they go "WE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER~".

Anxiety to change

 And who doesnt fear change? Especially abrupt changes! 🖐

Living in today's pandemic bring out anxiety in most people. 

Last week it was back to heightened alert again and kids are kept back at home. 

It was abrupt change to routine, and for me, the help that I normally easily gets access to, ie some hours off kids during school time, and my mum who will always have her arms wide open to receive my kids whenever I needed her to, I now can't make use of. 

Fortunately for me, I still have support from Mr H and my in-laws, but these abrupt changes are not easy to just navigate, regroup, replan and execute. 

I think we all know and have heard that we should show kindness to ourselves, plan what we can do what we can and leave the rest to the Al-Mighty, so I am not gona delve into that.

I was just reminded though, that if its tough for us, it's tough for the young ones too. Knowing that kids' are still developing their self-awareness, breaking routine is not something they can easily grasp and be ok with. 

So mommas out there like me dealing with more-than-usual un-explained thantrums, from both their end and yours 😄, hang in there. Its ok for things to go haywire. Its the lessons at the end of the day, theres a lot more lesson to learn when things dont go our way. And thats also as beautiful as when kids play together harmoniously for a few collected moments haha.

This is growth, and growth is always positive.

Im worthy of love and belonging

 The one thing that keeps me optimistic; helps me to move forward through my days, is that validation that no matter how flawed I am, I am still loved. 

Though he has seen my worse-self, I am still loved. 

Through heated arguments that I selfishly push to win, I am still loved. 

With layers of bagels around my belly, ironically I am still loved. 

He loves me and accepts me for who I am, and that pushes me to do better in life.

I understand now why I seek his hugs at the end of the day. After a whole day of struggles and referee-ing between little humans, at most times defeated by my own inner demons, his hug serves as a validation that its safe; I am still worthy of love. I belong there in his arms.

I've been practising kissing and hugging the kids before they sleep, and saying I-love-yous as a way of ensuring they still know I love them, especially if I dont look like I do during the day, but I now understand the feeling and affirmation behind those smiles after those hugs.

 Its the feeling that they are safe - they are worthy of love, and so they wake up optimistic to venture the next day.

Whatever lessons we learn, whether being kids or adults, ultimately knowing that we are worthy of being loved, is the one that helps us open our arms to the other lessons learnt through this life journey. 

So thank you Sayang for this lesson.❤

The Big P

Today I learnt to be patient, after nagging to Afrah on being patient. 

It was the typical I-raise-you-up-daily-feed-you-daily-without-complaints speech. 

I started the day ambitious, packing my bags to fetch the kids from school, and to spend the rest of the day at the beach with them.

Afrah being Afrah, she couldnt stand the heat on the way to the beachside. "Ummiii its so panasss. I sweating. Lets go homeeee. Ummi noooo."

I walked on with the rest, making her catch up with us. I walked on and on, ignoring her whinning.

"I WANT MY FANNN!! I WANT MY TV!!"

URGH Priviledged kids, I thought.

We almost reached a shelter when she started wailing and throwing her bag on the floor.

Thats when it started. The Big Momma's Speech. Bla bla bla I was nagging about everyone also panas not just her, that she must learn to be patient yada yada yada.

We mothers know it, when that speech comes out, its most often cause we ourselves are feeling impatient, expecting a 6 year old to already understand the meaning of hardships like enduring the heat, when on normal days she would be sheltered with aircons and TV. 

I always hate myself when I do that. I felt, as if I'm better than her. Like, "dont you know hardships like I do?? Why are you not where I am right now, so well-adjusted to endure the heat like those other adults (like me)?" 

Its a daily reminder, to always wake up with that wisdom, that everyone have their own learning process, and that their understanding may have yet to be matured like ours. And that also means, there are those who have a far deeper understanding about life than us.

Treating people, and especially my loved ones, with grace and compassion eequires that wisdom. 

And how can we build that wisdom and understanding?

How how how.

Howwwwww

Life is a learning process, not a competition

 "Traditional competition forces us to take on an attitude of winning. A Worthy Rival inspires us to take on an attitude of improvement. The former focuses our attention on the outcome, the latter focuses our attention on process. That simple shift in perspective immediately changes how we see our own businesses. It is the focus on process and constant improvement that helps reveal new skills and boosts resilience." - Simon Sinek

Personally I relate business/leadership strongly with parenthood, as both deal with the responsibility of ensuring welfare to those in our care. And thus its not about winning parenthood (or looking good on social media), its about overall progression. 

Cause sometimes, it may look like I'm barely surviving at a particular moment, and then thriving the next, and boy do my days resemble that of a flunctuating economic graph - that is if you measure each line strictly on the graph. But if you are to zoom out and observe, there's overall progression.

So instead of trying  to micromanage everything and asking myself:  

"Did I follow the stratergies I planned out well?"

"Did I lose it and screamed at the kids with rage and emotions?"

"Did they have too much screentime?"

"Were the kids well-behaved?"

"Did I manage to get my check-list of the day done?"

Ultimately, the questions I should be asking are:

"Hows my spiritual connection with Jalla Ula, and thus with Nabiyallah solawatullah?"

"How am I taking care of myself?"

"Hows my relationship with my kids?"

"Hows my relationship with my husband?"

"Hows my relationship with my parents and in-laws?"

"Hows my relationship with people I interact with today?"

See I realize there are people Ive built trust over the years that when I do face conflicts with these people, be it my own kids, or my husband, or my parents, we are quick to resolve them. The trust and bond we have for each other ensure that. And thats the beauty of having strong relationships. It creates support; it creates a safe space for us to learn from our mistakes, without judgement and without bias. And that stimulates growth. 

Honestly for now, I learnt it most from my kids. Kids, they have zero judgement and are naturally soo forgiving, which at times make them the better examples or role models to us adults. 

These are the kind of people that matter. And ofcourse for us muslims, the one perfect human who has totally no bias and no judgement is none other than our Rasulullah sollallahu alaih. I need to remember to always strive towards a stronger connection with our Nabi sollallahu alaih, for only he can show me how best to deeply connect with others.

May we be among those who walk on this earth constantly eager to learn and grow, and thus always strive towards building connections.

What holds me from posting my thoughts on Social Media

There are times when I go through stages in life I’d like to share with others, I stopped myself. Its not like they are anything shameful for the public to know. They are, I believe, valuable lessons I learnt or are even currently struggling with, that, through interacting with my family and peers, I find are closely relatable of their own struggles. 

Honestly, I’m not so sure why exactly I retreat the way I do, but there are a few things I’m assuming may be the reasons why I held those sharings back. 

Maybe its because since different people deal with life differently, or at a different stage in life from me, I fear (yes I believe its mostly fear) the message I was about to bring forth may either disheartened them or make them feel more superior than what I was going through. Disheartened, if they have yet to reach the understanding or stability I have in handling a particular struggle or phase in life, and superior if they have established a greater understanding from where I stood, or if they are those who have a rigid mentality to believe other people’s learning process do not matter to them for they have set themselves to believe a certain value - aka the ‘I know better’ mindset. 

What I hate more from being someone who makes people feel smaller than they actually are, is being someone who brings out the ugly ego of a person. I long for the day we can look at each other with mutual respect and appreciation, cause in all honesty, I have strong belief that nobody is above anybody else in this era. Each one of us exist with our own unique strengths and weaknesses and its so amazing how diversed each of us are. There is no, “I’m better than you”, its more “hey I tried this for myself and it worked! Hoping and praying hard it can work for you too!”

The other reason may also be how i see myself as a communicator. I often doubt my ability to convey messages well, and it doesn’t help that I have had a number of experiences where the message I wanted to bring forth gets misunderstood. One of the main reasons why I started this blog is also to strengthen my communication skill. Have I improved over time? Are the words I choose sensitive enough for my target audience? Will it really help people? Or am I wasting my time? I don’t really know.

So from here the answer must seem simple to you lot - Number one. If I’m retreating, I’m coming from a place of self-doubt, and that’s not a place to be comfortable in. Ive got to embrace this side of me and allow myself that room for improvement as I go along. 

Number two. People who wants to better themselves will see my message from the learning point of view, and will not be disheartened nor egoistical. And I hope this post helps you to understand I don’t know any better from you, nor am I someone you can look down on. The things I strongly resonate with and passionate about sharing, is nothing you’ve never heard of. Its just a form of reminder for anybody (that includes me) of our purpose and priorities. Cause today we live in a world where material gains are far more valued than developing oneself to be of value to the society. The Mission is to have an integral society where each individual holds strong their unique values that one can learn from another. And if I say I want that for the society, then Ive got to look past my own insecurities and self-doubt. So yeah. 

Rooting for more honest truths from me. Take care.

JEALOUS OF TIME

I’m often jealous of youths. Youth I live with, youths in my family, has a lot of time on their hands. They get to fail, yet it doesn’t have detrimental effects on people around them. They get to experiment and learn, slowly identify themselves, without having to worry if that will bring their loved ones down and ruin them. 

I lost that chance, that time I wasted.

I wasted my youth on boys, on gossips, on education. Wasted them on memorising terminologies and arguing in debates over issues like if traditional medicine really has a place in first world countries. I wasted my time over-analysing on who is better; OBGYNs or Doulas/midwives. Arguing over vaccines vs herbal approaches/other preventive approaches, careless to the ties severed in the process.

I argued with a lecturer before, and shamed her in front of the big hall, to prove myself right. It helped my ego, for a while. Today, that serves me nothing. 

I lost the chance, cause I could have spent more time on trying to understand myself, on building myself, and on building meaningful relationships with others. I could have learnt real values from the people I met then. I could have been more present, instead of hiding behind my books and projects.

Real values like inter-personal and negotiation skills that you can acquire only if you are observant enough, or care enough about others. Real values like understanding and managing emotions, developing high EQ, boosting creativity and above all else, empathy; values I today believe can only be acquired if you sit with people from different walks of life, only if you brave yourself enough to break the walls between each other. Only if you stop - stop for a while from your own dreams and desires, and look at life through the eyes of others. 

The little exposures i am blessed with today has shown me that. Books narrate, but when you speak with real humans sharing their own personal experiences, it.....opens you up, and the world that you thought you knew, expanded. People matter. Their thoughts matter. Their feelings matter. Their well-being matter. And from there it shapes the society that we live in today. 

I’m greatly jealous of youths, cause I wasted mine. 

And I cant get it back. 

And I’m losing the time that passes by.

But I still have what’s left of it. I’m still fully functioning and relatively healthy. My kids are still young and I still have a long way to go. Time, despite my treatment to it, is still on my side.

Until then, that is.