Day #1 of Journaling Journey (Not Everyday Is Like This and That’s OK)

Today started off with Sahur, after months of pushing myself to pay off my fasts.

So that’s one win.

Then a stumble; as I felt sorry for my sleepy deprived-of-movement body, I laid down to rest.

Feeling guilty, I started scrolling to engage in virtual conversations, all while my head was still rested on the pillow.

“I’m fasting, so I should rest more today,” comes the following whisper.

But my hands were scrolling and typing and gaping to start whatever conversation I could get.

Messy. There was no direction. Plus the net was super noisy with each individual’s own chaos, especially threads. Too much complains. Most complaints were directed about how others should or should not conduct.

Shit. A bad start to the day. Now my head was filled with unnecessary noise, and it was pulling me down to sink even deeper into my rest.

What happened next, I’m gonna be forever grateful for.

A simple yet genuine post, encouraging us to stay discipline, especially when it’s the opposite of what we wanted to do. Nothing new, just a strong purposeful reminder. It sparked a bit of positivity back. 

I decided to make today a productive day.

Folded my quilt. Took time to find a comfortable attire, having in mind I would be spending the whole rest of the day grinding in the office. 

My head though - it was still noisy. I could sense it. On the way to work I played and internalized Surah Al-Mulk. Over, and over, and over again. I felt the world slowed down, that it was kinder. Allah’s words. In the most angry of Surah, His words are still surrounded by His Gentleness and His Care. Soft, loving, like velvety cushion.

I felt immense gratitude for the beauty and the vastness of the universe. This. How Allah creates layers and layers of universe onto each other, and we are to care for a tiny planet in all of His Glory called Earth. Subhanallah. Subhanallah. Subhanallah.

And at work I grinded myself.

I wrote down the agenda of the day. Made clean my calendar.

Another win.

More outside noise - but this time I could handle it, I could draw the line.

And after 4 hours at work, I wanted to call it quits.

Asked others what made them stay at work knowing their family is at home where they could spend time with. One shared, “I come home, then who will pay the bills to continue to shelter my family?” And for once, I understood better the struggle of a provider of the family. May Allah bless all providers of their families and may they alway be in Allah’s care and sustenance. 

So I borrowed his energy, and I stayed on. Called 8 people, 3 answered. 1 rejected, 1 maybe, 1 allowed me to meet-up to share further. That’s a win. 

The rejection was a win too - I always enjoyed a conversation when the exchange was genuine and mutual. This taught me to stay honest for when I need to place my boundaries - stay humble and truthful. A simple no has yet to kill anyone, and you’d be surprised with the bond you get to create by staying honest.

So I’m beat up. But I’m making myself write today down.

That’s another win.

Alhamdulillah wa Shukr liRasulillah.

#Stayingconsciousisthekey