Anxiety to change

 And who doesnt fear change? Especially abrupt changes! 🖐

Living in today's pandemic bring out anxiety in most people. 

Last week it was back to heightened alert again and kids are kept back at home. 

It was abrupt change to routine, and for me, the help that I normally easily gets access to, ie some hours off kids during school time, and my mum who will always have her arms wide open to receive my kids whenever I needed her to, I now can't make use of. 

Fortunately for me, I still have support from Mr H and my in-laws, but these abrupt changes are not easy to just navigate, regroup, replan and execute. 

I think we all know and have heard that we should show kindness to ourselves, plan what we can do what we can and leave the rest to the Al-Mighty, so I am not gona delve into that.

I was just reminded though, that if its tough for us, it's tough for the young ones too. Knowing that kids' are still developing their self-awareness, breaking routine is not something they can easily grasp and be ok with. 

So mommas out there like me dealing with more-than-usual un-explained thantrums, from both their end and yours 😄, hang in there. Its ok for things to go haywire. Its the lessons at the end of the day, theres a lot more lesson to learn when things dont go our way. And thats also as beautiful as when kids play together harmoniously for a few collected moments haha.

This is growth, and growth is always positive.

Im worthy of love and belonging

 The one thing that keeps me optimistic; helps me to move forward through my days, is that validation that no matter how flawed I am, I am still loved. 

Though he has seen my worse-self, I am still loved. 

Through heated arguments that I selfishly push to win, I am still loved. 

With layers of bagels around my belly, ironically I am still loved. 

He loves me and accepts me for who I am, and that pushes me to do better in life.

I understand now why I seek his hugs at the end of the day. After a whole day of struggles and referee-ing between little humans, at most times defeated by my own inner demons, his hug serves as a validation that its safe; I am still worthy of love. I belong there in his arms.

I've been practising kissing and hugging the kids before they sleep, and saying I-love-yous as a way of ensuring they still know I love them, especially if I dont look like I do during the day, but I now understand the feeling and affirmation behind those smiles after those hugs.

 Its the feeling that they are safe - they are worthy of love, and so they wake up optimistic to venture the next day.

Whatever lessons we learn, whether being kids or adults, ultimately knowing that we are worthy of being loved, is the one that helps us open our arms to the other lessons learnt through this life journey. 

So thank you Sayang for this lesson.❤

The Big P

Today I learnt to be patient, after nagging to Afrah on being patient. 

It was the typical I-raise-you-up-daily-feed-you-daily-without-complaints speech. 

I started the day ambitious, packing my bags to fetch the kids from school, and to spend the rest of the day at the beach with them.

Afrah being Afrah, she couldnt stand the heat on the way to the beachside. "Ummiii its so panasss. I sweating. Lets go homeeee. Ummi noooo."

I walked on with the rest, making her catch up with us. I walked on and on, ignoring her whinning.

"I WANT MY FANNN!! I WANT MY TV!!"

URGH Priviledged kids, I thought.

We almost reached a shelter when she started wailing and throwing her bag on the floor.

Thats when it started. The Big Momma's Speech. Bla bla bla I was nagging about everyone also panas not just her, that she must learn to be patient yada yada yada.

We mothers know it, when that speech comes out, its most often cause we ourselves are feeling impatient, expecting a 6 year old to already understand the meaning of hardships like enduring the heat, when on normal days she would be sheltered with aircons and TV. 

I always hate myself when I do that. I felt, as if I'm better than her. Like, "dont you know hardships like I do?? Why are you not where I am right now, so well-adjusted to endure the heat like those other adults (like me)?" 

Its a daily reminder, to always wake up with that wisdom, that everyone have their own learning process, and that their understanding may have yet to be matured like ours. And that also means, there are those who have a far deeper understanding about life than us.

Treating people, and especially my loved ones, with grace and compassion eequires that wisdom. 

And how can we build that wisdom and understanding?

How how how.

Howwwwww

Life is a learning process, not a competition

 "Traditional competition forces us to take on an attitude of winning. A Worthy Rival inspires us to take on an attitude of improvement. The former focuses our attention on the outcome, the latter focuses our attention on process. That simple shift in perspective immediately changes how we see our own businesses. It is the focus on process and constant improvement that helps reveal new skills and boosts resilience." - Simon Sinek

Personally I relate business/leadership strongly with parenthood, as both deal with the responsibility of ensuring welfare to those in our care. And thus its not about winning parenthood (or looking good on social media), its about overall progression. 

Cause sometimes, it may look like I'm barely surviving at a particular moment, and then thriving the next, and boy do my days resemble that of a flunctuating economic graph - that is if you measure each line strictly on the graph. But if you are to zoom out and observe, there's overall progression.

So instead of trying  to micromanage everything and asking myself:  

"Did I follow the stratergies I planned out well?"

"Did I lose it and screamed at the kids with rage and emotions?"

"Did they have too much screentime?"

"Were the kids well-behaved?"

"Did I manage to get my check-list of the day done?"

Ultimately, the questions I should be asking are:

"Hows my spiritual connection with Jalla Ula, and thus with Nabiyallah solawatullah?"

"How am I taking care of myself?"

"Hows my relationship with my kids?"

"Hows my relationship with my husband?"

"Hows my relationship with my parents and in-laws?"

"Hows my relationship with people I interact with today?"

See I realize there are people Ive built trust over the years that when I do face conflicts with these people, be it my own kids, or my husband, or my parents, we are quick to resolve them. The trust and bond we have for each other ensure that. And thats the beauty of having strong relationships. It creates support; it creates a safe space for us to learn from our mistakes, without judgement and without bias. And that stimulates growth. 

Honestly for now, I learnt it most from my kids. Kids, they have zero judgement and are naturally soo forgiving, which at times make them the better examples or role models to us adults. 

These are the kind of people that matter. And ofcourse for us muslims, the one perfect human who has totally no bias and no judgement is none other than our Rasulullah sollallahu alaih. I need to remember to always strive towards a stronger connection with our Nabi sollallahu alaih, for only he can show me how best to deeply connect with others.

May we be among those who walk on this earth constantly eager to learn and grow, and thus always strive towards building connections.

What holds me from posting my thoughts on Social Media

There are times when I go through stages in life I’d like to share with others, I stopped myself. Its not like they are anything shameful for the public to know. They are, I believe, valuable lessons I learnt or are even currently struggling with, that, through interacting with my family and peers, I find are closely relatable of their own struggles. 

Honestly, I’m not so sure why exactly I retreat the way I do, but there are a few things I’m assuming may be the reasons why I held those sharings back. 

Maybe its because since different people deal with life differently, or at a different stage in life from me, I fear (yes I believe its mostly fear) the message I was about to bring forth may either disheartened them or make them feel more superior than what I was going through. Disheartened, if they have yet to reach the understanding or stability I have in handling a particular struggle or phase in life, and superior if they have established a greater understanding from where I stood, or if they are those who have a rigid mentality to believe other people’s learning process do not matter to them for they have set themselves to believe a certain value - aka the ‘I know better’ mindset. 

What I hate more from being someone who makes people feel smaller than they actually are, is being someone who brings out the ugly ego of a person. I long for the day we can look at each other with mutual respect and appreciation, cause in all honesty, I have strong belief that nobody is above anybody else in this era. Each one of us exist with our own unique strengths and weaknesses and its so amazing how diversed each of us are. There is no, “I’m better than you”, its more “hey I tried this for myself and it worked! Hoping and praying hard it can work for you too!”

The other reason may also be how i see myself as a communicator. I often doubt my ability to convey messages well, and it doesn’t help that I have had a number of experiences where the message I wanted to bring forth gets misunderstood. One of the main reasons why I started this blog is also to strengthen my communication skill. Have I improved over time? Are the words I choose sensitive enough for my target audience? Will it really help people? Or am I wasting my time? I don’t really know.

So from here the answer must seem simple to you lot - Number one. If I’m retreating, I’m coming from a place of self-doubt, and that’s not a place to be comfortable in. Ive got to embrace this side of me and allow myself that room for improvement as I go along. 

Number two. People who wants to better themselves will see my message from the learning point of view, and will not be disheartened nor egoistical. And I hope this post helps you to understand I don’t know any better from you, nor am I someone you can look down on. The things I strongly resonate with and passionate about sharing, is nothing you’ve never heard of. Its just a form of reminder for anybody (that includes me) of our purpose and priorities. Cause today we live in a world where material gains are far more valued than developing oneself to be of value to the society. The Mission is to have an integral society where each individual holds strong their unique values that one can learn from another. And if I say I want that for the society, then Ive got to look past my own insecurities and self-doubt. So yeah. 

Rooting for more honest truths from me. Take care.

JEALOUS OF TIME

I’m often jealous of youths. Youth I live with, youths in my family, has a lot of time on their hands. They get to fail, yet it doesn’t have detrimental effects on people around them. They get to experiment and learn, slowly identify themselves, without having to worry if that will bring their loved ones down and ruin them. 

I lost that chance, that time I wasted.

I wasted my youth on boys, on gossips, on education. Wasted them on memorising terminologies and arguing in debates over issues like if traditional medicine really has a place in first world countries. I wasted my time over-analysing on who is better; OBGYNs or Doulas/midwives. Arguing over vaccines vs herbal approaches/other preventive approaches, careless to the ties severed in the process.

I argued with a lecturer before, and shamed her in front of the big hall, to prove myself right. It helped my ego, for a while. Today, that serves me nothing. 

I lost the chance, cause I could have spent more time on trying to understand myself, on building myself, and on building meaningful relationships with others. I could have learnt real values from the people I met then. I could have been more present, instead of hiding behind my books and projects.

Real values like inter-personal and negotiation skills that you can acquire only if you are observant enough, or care enough about others. Real values like understanding and managing emotions, developing high EQ, boosting creativity and above all else, empathy; values I today believe can only be acquired if you sit with people from different walks of life, only if you brave yourself enough to break the walls between each other. Only if you stop - stop for a while from your own dreams and desires, and look at life through the eyes of others. 

The little exposures i am blessed with today has shown me that. Books narrate, but when you speak with real humans sharing their own personal experiences, it.....opens you up, and the world that you thought you knew, expanded. People matter. Their thoughts matter. Their feelings matter. Their well-being matter. And from there it shapes the society that we live in today. 

I’m greatly jealous of youths, cause I wasted mine. 

And I cant get it back. 

And I’m losing the time that passes by.

But I still have what’s left of it. I’m still fully functioning and relatively healthy. My kids are still young and I still have a long way to go. Time, despite my treatment to it, is still on my side.

Until then, that is.

Sucked in

Its not as easy to forgive, if you know the feeling is not mutual.

The idea is to start a conversation and attempt forgiveness anyway.

But Im really putting in a lot, a lof lot lot of effort to do so.

25 March 2020/1 Saaban 1441

She is distressed, she is lost, but she wants to understand. It could either be because she wants it all to end, or because she wants whats best for everyone in the family. And thats the critical part - her intent.

I was there listening, but mostly talking too.

Should it had been better if I were to listen more, input less? But I sensed she understood what I was trying to say, and there were more I wanted badly to say to her. Its just, some things people just need to go through to understand.

My only concern is her tearing apart; or worse, her family tearing apart.

I have to accept that its not my say - I dont have any control over others' action, thus no control over what is to come. Understanding, sympathy, tolerance, forgiveness; they are not developed without ones effort. Many can advice to communicate and communicate openly, but shit will get ugly. As ugly and as shitty shits can get, before tolerance or forgiveness can even surface. We all experience the storm before the rainbow, yet its easy to forget that light at the end of the tunnel.

------

On a personal level, my momentum is hagard. Kids are ill. The world is suffering from a bioweaponized war.

To remain steadfast in times of trial, thats the goal. To continue to have a positive effect during tribulations, thats the seeked- after attribute. The Sayyidatina Fatimah of the modern time, thats the vision.

Ok lets recharge.

- Sam❤

12 March 2020/ 17 Rejab 1441 - GREEN

Today was one of those exhausting day. And yet it was a meaningful one.

It was meaningful because today I learnt about how to handle demands - through hugs.

The one thing the kids need is show of affections, especially when they are tired and cranky. So what do we do when mummy is tired too? We all hug! Hahah

So mummy may still be tired at the end of the day, but alhamdulillah for the power of hugs, mummy didnt get cranky, and the kids' crankyness died down too!

Hug more, hug often yall 😘


To more conscious days ahead,

Sam ❤

9 March 2020/14 Rajab 1441 - GREAT GREEN DAY

Today was a good day:

1) I was mostly conscious of where i put my energy, and how I should go through with today. Ofcourse not everything was ticked off from my to-do list, but I managed to lessen the load.

2) I forgave Mr hubby for what happened in the car the other night.

The argument was petty, but the effect was hurtful. It was hurtful, because it turned out, I could accept him, I could understand him - both his strengths and his limitations, as he progresses in his own journey of self-growth; but its not as easy for him to do so for me.

It was hurtful, but today I let myself be free from that hurt. My journey of self-progression is my own. Ofcourse I would have thrived better if he is to trust me fully, but that takes both our efforts in strengthening our trust for each other. So I take it as a battle that has yet to be won.

And its Hefni. I forgave him, because I cant do better than him. Because there is no one better to be my partner in raising our kids than him. He is, without a doubt, a thriver. Today's version of him is often always better than yesterday's, and thats the game changer for me. You can be such a gentleman, or the most patient person here, but if you are not consciously aware to upgrade yourself gradually, then you will only lose yourself.

The argument must have hurt him too. But he brought the kids out to play the next day, and brought me out for a fun night together. And we are back to our old selves again, joking and teasing each other.

What more can I ask for on a great green day like today. ❤


- Sam🎀

2 Mar 2020/ 7 Rejab 1441 - RED

"Leaders never use the word failure. They look upon setbacks as learning experiences" - Brian Tracy

Today was another defeat setback. 

Sometimes you tend to make the same mistake over and over, and over again, which leads you to believe that you are incapable of change. You try this, you try that, and the more you strive, the more mistakes surface. Its like you are glued to a corner of a wheel and though at times you on top and feeling like you are above life challenges, and the next thing you know, ops! Its as if you learnt nothing from your past mistakes. 

Just 10 minute ago, I was in that state. State of kicking yourself hard. And part of me believes that I deserved it. You know for professions like parents or leaders, its a huge weight on our shoulders as our actions directly affect those we care for. And if we need to care for innocent little humans that at times dont look so innocent, nor human, its something that can "make us go cray cray", as one of my sister would say. Most part cause we often think we are responsible for their actions. 

But we are not.

We are not and should not be responsible for others' actions, be it our kids, or otherwise. What we are responsible for, is our own actions and our own reactions. Because how you expect a human being to be responsible for other people's actions when its an element that cant be controlled? Ultimately these kids are individuals themselves and they makes their own decisions, whether we parents like it or we dont. 

So this recurring setback brings me to this understanding. And an understanding stays an understanding until I put this into my daily practises. So I take this setback as an upportunity for growth.

Conquering one habit at a time, 

Till next time.