DAY #7 OF JOURNALING JOURNEY (STAGNATION, OR PROGRESS?)

I decided 2 months ago to revisit this blog and continue to pen down details of my day, because of this very reason - to realign my focus that progress is not determined by results or the destination, but progress is in the daily decisions I make to learn, to grow, to strive out of my comfort zone.

So today may seem like there’s no progress. I reached out to 5 people to connect deeper, but most were busy dealing with whatever they were dealing with. The expectations I had, were not met today. But relationships can’t be rushed. Trust has to be built. And patience, has its beautiful rewards. I was virtually checking in and showing I was here for them, and I believe the message was clear. Sikit-sikit lama2 jadi bukit kan.

CCP is done. Laundry is done. So that’s a big relief. 

Tomorrow is treadmill in the morning, then fetching cookies to bring to Umaira’s. Conquering Canberra tomorrow lets goo.

December is halfway gone, 16 more days to 2026. An authentic 2026 yessssaaaaaa.

DAY #6 OF JOURNALING JOURNEY (OF SELF-CARE AND RECUPERATION)

 Had the blessings of spending family time in Japan with Rozi Aisyah family for a good 10 days. 

It’s always enjoyable to be in Japan. The streets, the train rides, the food, the clean toilets and easy accessibility of prayer areas made Japan a nice place to visit. And although we had to walk miles, kids didn’t complain as they too enjoyed their stay there.

And now I’m back, been home since yesterday. And now after 10 days of recuperating, I’m finding myself fumbling with the start button on work, on exercising, on kids’ revision and ngaji, basically on my responsibilities.

What happened today was mostly doing the CCP yearly course at work, after sending the kids to mum’s. Kept in touch with a few people that have yet to get back to me, that’s fine. What mattered was I did my part. So there.

Did some counselling sessions with colleagues and Mr Mentor. Got myself some news updates, which truth be told, matter least to anybody really. Most news, I find, are just noise. Somebody A is leaving the workplace, somebody B is not progressing in her career and blaming other people on it, somebody C is doing work of a higher post to get ahead and asking to get a cut from her Mentor’s pay, some type of immature shit like that. It’s all just noise. But I assure you, these noise will travel and they will be the ones either hyping people up on it, or dragging people’s mood down. And I’m in the midst of it - zen-ing their vibes as much as I can. 

It does feel heavy at times, and lonely too, as someone who sees things from an eagle’s eyes, but I have to keep in mind introspectively and through each individual’s angle it becomes a totally different view. It does feel heavy thinking about what’s to come, but I leave it you Ya Sayyidinan Nabi. Selawat and salam upon You, Oh Most Beloved One. 

So yeah, today is alright. Could it have been better, yes. It would have been time-effective if I focused more on my work than yapping too much. And brainstorming a strategy before contacting would have made the prospecting better, so ok. Let’s do that.

Ciao. Good night.

Day #5 of Journaling Journey (Stage #1: Building Relationships, and Strengthening Patience)

What I find people need most right now from me is 1) Trust and 2) Genuine interactions. 

I’ll be honest, this title or new job that I recently obtained has its fair share of stigma. I get this feeling most believe I’m here to scam their money away. Hmm I don’t know I sure hope I’m wrong, but the walls built are thick and tall.

Anyways I’ve strategised to take a step back, and recalibrate on how to share about this valuable path that I believe is super basic, and severely essential, for every individual to partake in. 

Because of how valuable my service is, I’m only going to share it with those who would like to put in the effort to at least be open enough to listen.

So right now if trust is the problem, I’d be the friend; yes as a financial advisor but I’m allowing myself to understand the people I meet, their background, their current struggles and what their aspirations are. This makes it simpler for me to  assess if they are in fact in the right state of mind and place to be ready to find ways where they can grow and change.

My message is simple - it’s all mindset. It’s all awareness - Its whether the person knows how our current times have changed from our parents’, and how our kids will be facing tougher challenges than us, financially or otherwise. Because discipline, consistency and perseverance is lacking, yet most want to see change and see them quick. I’m going to now focus on those whose eyes are wide open to the changes, and embracing them with a readiness to learn ways to get better. These people may be rare, but these people are those worth helping.

So all these people I’ve been meeting, I’m planting seeds. They do know what I offer, and if they are ready they’d have asked for more.

And right now, I’m loving this stage I’m at. I get to be myself and be a friend and a listening ear. And I get to see this world through the lens of people from different lifestyle and different walks of life. It’s both humbling, and fulfilling to do so. I’m right where I want to be, alhamdulillah. 

Day #4 of Journaling Journey (Outside looking in; from a 3rd person perspective)

 Walked on the treadmill a little longer than 40 minutes today yeah!

Listened to DOAC on Money Saving Experts and it really was a saver. They made it simple to understand, and allowed me to look into ways to explain this better to any average person. 

Did some cleaning and work prep before going out for my appointment.

Today I met an Indonesian Lawyer, whom I felt was struggling to find her footing here in Singapore, but learnt a lot from her experiences working here for the past 20 over years.

She described herself as idealist and naive growing up, and I could totally relate. 

Shared how her journey in the law industry was not at all a gradual progression up, and that office politics, or success was deemed possible only if you succeed first in kissing arses to those required for arses to be kissed. She also shared how social networking in Singapore was not really to network, but a hunting ground - bonds would only be made if it was deemed to be beneficial to them. And without much thought, ties severed once one was no longer seen to be valuable to them.

It’s brutal, when we muslims would have been in a better place collaborating instead of bringing each other down like this.

Lately, Allah has opened up my eyes to these group of people too. The AMP summit for once and the recent Pasir Panjang lady gave the exact vibe she was describing. 

As she was recalling her journey up till date as she is now a graduate on Indonesian Law, I could not help but feel inspired by her. Life had been challenging for an idealist like her, as she realised Eutopia does not exist. Yet she still had hopes. She still fought on, she still believed. Still idealistic, and a lot bookish as she also shared the books she had been reading. Currently on 7 rules of power - she encouraged me to read it too.

I love her spirit. And I hope we remain friends and remain beneficial to each other till Jannah.

And I pray she gets a job that’s more deserving of her soon.

Day #3 of Journaling Journey (Still Learning to be More Open)

There are days where I’m happy to serve others, while at times I seek to be served. Today I went out to see my friends, wishing to be served, and went home feeling unmet.

How I came to the expectation was due to what happened the day before. 

I had a rough day prior, and learnt that a few friends gathered to have some reflective day with a new concept they recently discovered. If you know me well, you’d know I’m always down for a collective reflection day. I felt FOMO, and asked for a 2nd telecast.

As they were accommodating and trusted friends, they obliged to my request. I have to say, I anticipated a 360 degree mindset shift, with overnight transformation.

Who was I kidding. 

For once, they were sharing something similar with what I’ve already been learning and implementing gradually at Dandrawi. If I were to be completely honest, I felt it was slightly messy and confusing. But to be fair, they rushed me through the concept as I had yet to read through the whole post explaining each section. Maybe if I had prepared myself and read them through before meeting them, I probably could learn better from it.

So I felt like I was back to square one that day - half trying to understand what each section of the concept actually meant, as even the subtopics were broad and could further be branched up, and half trying to be optimistic to the whole process, talking myself into believing the spark, or aha moment, would soon and eventually happen.

After some time attempting to stay positive, I think halfway deep down I gave up. 

Then came the topic of ‘The Self’. What can’t we say about the self! There’s just endless! 

One of them started with saying Nafs is bad. Haih I truly feel bad for our Nafs. But I didn’t delve into that. Remind me, to one day share with them about our dear Nafs. Some don’t realise that without our Nafs, we are void of feelings, void of desires and void of dreams. What’s a human being without those? None of us would want to grow, or have any will to live and reproduce. There would be no one attempting change, or strive to better themselves. Nafs is desire; and most forget desires are the driving force towards change. Of course Syaitan loves to whisper for our desires to be met without proper channels or rules. But we muslims have the proper channel - our Beloved Sayyidinan Nabi - to direct us to meet our desires the best and ethical way.

I didn’t want to delve into it as I was more focussed on getting served that day. So I talked about what I lacked - my lack in ability to define my feelings most times. That, I got some insights on. Sharing my feelings with trusted friends was one example. Journaling was another. That reminder pushed me further to continue my quest in jotting most things down here.

To be fully honest, there is still reluctance in sharing my feelings with anyone. Even H I don’t share everything with. What I’m capable amd brave enough to do now, is to share and name my feelings with The Al-Mighty, and His Beloved Nur Ala Nur to shine His Light onto me whenever I’m lost. I’d like to strengthen it there, first? Hmm let’s review this in a month or two.

Forming relationship is a mutual thing. And at times I struggle to find a balance where the meet-up is a win-win. Some days it a win-lose day. I did win that day, I did learn some things from them, and we got to share insights that help. 

I do need to be able to be more open to changes and manage my expectations when things don’t go the way that I wanted it to.

My gut is telling me there’s a lot more to learn from this day. A lot more I could have done that allowed everyone to benefit further from. That, I have yet to be able to point out exactly how. 

Till then, I’m keeping this tab open for further deep thinking, as of now Im calling it a night.

#prayingimforgivenforthewrongsidoknowandthoseidonot

Day #2 of Journaling Journey (Barbie World)

 Today I met a lady I got to know from LinkedIn. Honestly just writing this down and thinking about this feels draining, a lot like when I went to AMP Summit the other day - I believe the word is plastic? It felt plastic, Like Barbie and Ken.

She came with her 1-year-old baby, all smiles and cheers. At first our conversations were smooth and exchanges were mutual. But as she shared further on how she was working through most of her life after poly and listed her achievements till date, I could not help but felt distant. Not much of wanting to hear my side of the story I felt. Then went into assumptions and advices on how I should upgrade my life. Honestly If I were to close my eyes then, I’d assume she was an aged lady in her 60s.

Being early in my quest to further learn from anybody and everybody, I spent a good 3 hours with her, and walked with her and her baby home. I felt myself drifting away as she chirped on about her nanny? A lot of her stories didn’t add up, but I was careful not to ask questions that may sound rude or off-putting. 

She was nice to allow me to pray at her place though. That I was thankful for, as we were at Pasir Panjang, which I seldom frequent so I was not familiar with the area.

Towards the end, I recalled feeling uneasy. And although the relationship felt off, I shared with her about my services at work, which I feel was uncalled for. Walking home, I promised myself not to stoop that low in the future. 

I felt that I lost that day. And since we are to be honest here, there was a heavy feeling of regret and disappointment. 

I’m mostly disappointed in myself for being too obliging. I could arrange for a meet-up that’s convenient for us both, instead I allowed her to dictate the meeting arrangements. I could also politely ask what her intention for meeting me was, as till now I’m still lost as to what that is. And I could have detected the superficial vibe early and either reversed-dominate the conversation to allow for a more fruitful meet-up, or stopped the meeting early to not wasted any more of our times.

Regret, mostly because that half a day could be better spent elsewhere. But I’m thankful. Thankful I now get to place this icky feeling in its rightful place, to know that the next time I sense such a hunch; I should reassess to consider whether or not I should delve further into strengthening my bond with the person.

Ultimately, this serves as a strong lesson. It strengthens my belief that there is no other way to walk on this Earth other than striving for As-Siddiq - to be in constant genuinity and honesty. You can achieve great milestones or career ladder but if its all about you, what good do those achievements bring you?

Day #1 of Journaling Journey (Not Everyday Is Like This and That’s OK)

Today started off with Sahur, after months of pushing myself to pay off my fasts.

So that’s one win.

Then a stumble; as I felt sorry for my sleepy deprived-of-movement body, I laid down to rest.

Feeling guilty, I started scrolling to engage in virtual conversations, all while my head was still rested on the pillow.

“I’m fasting, so I should rest more today,” comes the following whisper.

But my hands were scrolling and typing and gaping to start whatever conversation I could get.

Messy. There was no direction. Plus the net was super noisy with each individual’s own chaos, especially threads. Too many complaints. Most complaints were directed about how others should or should not conduct.

Shit. A bad start to the day. Now my head was filled with unnecessary noise, and it was pulling me down to sink even deeper into my rest.

What happened next, I’m gonna be forever grateful for.

A simple yet genuine post, encouraging us to stay discipline, especially when it’s the opposite of what we wanted to do. Nothing new, just a strong purposeful reminder. It sparked a bit of positivity back. 

I decided to make today a productive day.

Folded my quilt. Took time to find a comfortable attire, having in mind I would be spending the whole rest of the day grinding in the office. 

My head though - it was still noisy. I could sense it. On the way to work I played and internalized Surah Al-Mulk. Over, and over, and over again. I felt the world slowed down, that it was kinder. Allah’s words. In the most angry of Surah, His words are still surrounded by His Gentleness and His Care. Soft, loving, like velvety cushion.

I felt immense gratitude for the beauty and the vastness of the universe. This. How Allah creates layers and layers of universe onto each other, and we are to care for a tiny planet in all of His Glory called Earth. Subhanallah. Subhanallah. Subhanallah.

And at work I grinded myself.

I wrote down the agenda of the day. Made clean my calendar.

Another win.

More outside noise - but this time I could handle it, I could draw the line.

And after 4 hours at work, I wanted to call it quits.

Asked others what made them stay at work knowing their family is at home where they could spend time with. One shared, “I come home, then who will pay the bills to continue to shelter my family?” And for once, I understood better the struggle of a provider of the family. May Allah bless all providers of their families and may they always be in Allah’s care and sustenance. 

So I borrowed his energy, and I stayed on. Called 8 people, 3 answered. 1 rejected, 1 maybe, 1 allowed me to meet-up to share further. That’s a win. 

The rejection was a win too - I always enjoyed a conversation when the exchange was genuine and mutual. This taught me to stay honest for when I need to place my boundaries - stay humble and truthful. A simple no has yet to kill anyone, and you’d be surprised with the bond you get to create by staying honest.

Right now I’m feeling beaten up. But I’m making myself write today down.

That’s another win.

Alhamdulillah wa Shukr liRasulillah.

#Stayingconsciousisthekey

Al-Hadi

 Caught.

Drenched.

Mind racing with thoughts.

Words scrambling, eyes dazed.

Heart tightened with shame.

As the wheels turn, cars sped past.

As I was about to reach for autopilot,

Your hand grazed me.

And there it was, Your presence seemed to say

"Be still now love, tomorrow we fight another day." 

So there I stayed, consumed in Your warm embrace.

And as I uttered Your Name I knew, You've held onto mine light years before this day.

What makes a human humane

Hmm in retrospect to my previous post, evidently creating punishment doesnt work on the kids. It backfired, they rebel further and soon they showed their own fangs. I got fighters - these little humans are deep rooted on their individual selves enough to know to defend themselves when threatened. So that should be a good thing. 

Its tricky this time. Three is indeed a crowd. Ive got 3 totally different individuals who have yet to learn much about themselves, so they are facing quite a challenge trying to interact and learn from each other.

I got one highly sensitive kid who struggles to control her aggression towards her sisters. She feels everything, and she feels them so much deeper. The trick, is to be there and just ride through her waves of emotions. Sounds easy? Not at all for me. Im a straight-forward person who deals with issues head on. So I dont dwell with feelings too much. So to have to sit through someone else's emotions when I lack them myself is a great challenge for me. I guess its similar for some others too. So, feelings. Feelings are important. Feelings are important. To take my time and ride the waves through my own feelings. That takes practise. It takes strong self-awareness to be able to identify what exactly am I dealing with..

That brings me to my mini-me - a suppressor. She often go quiet when scolded and soon she can continue playing as if nothing happened. Then she will whine on normal days (i assume its to steam off those suppressed feelings she had previously) and that will easily flip me out. Because then she will attempt with all her might, to find fault or complain about everything - why her pillow is one arm away, why her milk is not hot (when she has been drinking normal temp milk all her life), why am I talking, why is her hair on her head, why did I make her bread that she asked for etc etc. Again, rideee through the waves of emotionss - and we shall pass.

The last one. The last one learns, very fast. You do it once and you will notice your reenachment many many many times. She follows both good and bad traits, and she often "doesnt care", as she would say when we ask her to do something. And it seems everybody "is very naughty". 🤷‍♀️ I really dont like to use negative words like naughty and its heartbreaking when your kiddos use it unsparingly. A rebel - definitely will do the total opposite of whats told.

I guess the strategy is always the same - take the time to understand their pov and thus react with grace. Its a simple concept where we take the time to allow everyone to be heard. And yet at the same time i need to acknowledge that I too am human and listening to the daily demands of three little humans require a lot of effort and consciousness on my part. Efforts and energy depletes, thus consciousness can be compromised. 

To ensure I make time for myself and I also make time for the kids, and I also make time for my darling husband, and to still be able to be in touch with other family and friends, is in itself its own struggle. 

But above all else is definitely to take care ones self. Ive lost touch with myself - my own masirah. 

What I need to do for myself on a daily basis from 24 July - 24 Aug:

♡wake up at 5 - pray taubat/hajat, recite ahdan

♡10am: recite 2 pages of the Qur'an 

♡10.30am: 20mins exercise

♡11 am: plan the day - activity/food/prep

♡11.30 - 12.45 sleep

EVERYTHING, IN EXCESS, AND THEN MORE

 Here it is.

As of now my eyes are open, to how the lifestyle Ive been shaping for the family; fully-clothed, well-fed and chronically entertained; is actually slowly destroying their our sense of empathy and compassion for others.

1- I need to stop babying them. If they can walk, they walk. If they are tired, we rest. If today is a school day, today is a school day. If they fall, they pick themselves up. If they need something, they take it themselves. They fear something, they face it. They dont like whats on the menu, they dont eat. They want something that they dont need, when they are big enough to buy them they are welcome to.

I used to think that by babying them I can make these kids see how I've been giving so that they can be giving themselves. I was wrong. Ive made these kids think that life is all about them and no one else matter. Thats not how reality works does it.

2- When they make a mistake, they face the consequences that come with it. If it means I have to instill some form of punishment to help them understand, then I will need to do so. 

Ofcourse this does not mean I can abuse, humiliate or disrespect them. 

3- Allow as much pain and hurt as I would allow happiness in their lives.  If they cry, they cry. If they feel pain, then they feel pain. If they are angry, then they are angry. This is how the world is - it consists of both wins and losses. And thats how everybody experiences life. Protecting them now doesnt help them to see the world as it is, it just denies them the pleasure of living to their full potential. 

4- I have to let them resolve their problems themselves. If they fight, and hurt each other in the process, then so be it. This is a tough one for me. Here's the mentality behind this: my job is to make them develop into a preson who can resolve conflicts, not to ensure they dont experience any hurt or pain. Reality is that they will, and they need to, in order to learn to better themselves.

5- Buy only what I need, eat only what I need, use only whats needed. I have to stop buying things I dont need, eating excessively, and being online when I dont need to be. Anything in excess is not mine to begin with. 

I got to be the one to know my limit, if I want my kids to learn to know theirs. 

This is it. A new beginning. A new plan. A new mindset.

FAMILY

 Today's discussion reminds me of how my state and life choice right now, is the total opposite of what my family defines success. When I say family, I'm including all the aunts and uncles, the whole extended version of it all. 

I may be wrong tho, but the vibe I got growing up was that, the only career that matter(ed) were those that comes with status ie doctor or lawyer or in my family, mum hoped I became an ustazah.

Even if Im not any of those above, to mum, which she was clear about especially recently, if Im not working, ie generating income of my own, Im not benefiting the society. 

When these topics of money or working comes up with her, I often laugh it off - knowing full well explaining to her about the purpose of my life choice will not be something she can comprehend, or relate with. 

Did it affect me then? I didnt think so. 

Does it affect me now thinking about it? Its more, disappointment. Because if she can relate or understand, means she can morally support me, which i guess must be a nice feeling to have.

But does it change my decision to stay home and focus my time solely on my kids? Absolutely not.

Im not blaming her tho. I used to bluntly go against her and told her "to be a mum and quit her job", so I m not one to hold in against her when she speaks her mind about my own parenting as well.😅

This post does not intend to disregard those who choose to work tho, or decide some other strategy for their family. In fact, it serves as a form of encouragement I hope. Cause if you need to work for example, or if you need your husband to stay home for the kids - to be the best of yourself to your family, then dont let anyone tell you otherwise. At the end of the day, all you need is just that quality time with your family. And Ive been honest when I say this to a few of my working mom friends, I honestly dont know how they can put their 100% at work, and come home to continue giving 100% to their family. And do it again the next day with vigor. It is something I have yet to be able to do, and its trully inspiring to see how strong a human being can be both inside and out.

Till date, Im more than convinced that the only way I can be the best version of myself to my family is if I focus most days on it (ofcourse not at all times, im a human being. You think im crazy??). 

I was not raised to know how to mom, nor did I learn to do so in school. Neither did I miraculously 'just know' exactly what to do or not to do right after my first child goes through my birth canal. 

I need time, to learn about my child, to learn about the phases a person goes through growing up, to learn about human behaviours, to learn about myself, in order to deliver this new found responsibility as a parent. Among other things.

Ofcourse, Ive set a time I will go back to 'work', which may be in a form of a job or maybe not. This is, afterall, the process of my life journey. 

Ultimately, how a person chooses to live his or her life should be entirely up to them. Sometimes all each of us need is a little faith, not only in Allah 'azza wajal, but also in each other. 

Although there are those few who may be nassicists, but generally I truly believe we all begin with good intention. 

We gotto listen to HSM when they go "WE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER~".