25 March 2020/1 Saaban 1441

She is distressed, she is lost, but she wants to understand. It could either be because she wants it all to end, or because she wants whats best for everyone in the family. And thats the critical part - her intent.

I was there listening, but mostly talking too.

Should it had been better if I were to listen more, input less? But I sensed she understood what I was trying to say, and there were more I wanted badly to say to her. Its just, some things people just need to go through to understand.

My only concern is her tearing apart; or worse, her family tearing apart.

I have to accept that its not my say - I dont have any control over others' action, thus no control over what is to come. Understanding, sympathy, tolerance, forgiveness; they are not developed without ones effort. Many can advice to communicate and communicate openly, but shit will get ugly. As ugly and as shitty shits can get, before tolerance or forgiveness can even surface. We all experience the storm before the rainbow, yet its easy to forget that light at the end of the tunnel.

------

On a personal level, my momentum is hagard. Kids are ill. The world is suffering from a bioweaponized war.

To remain steadfast in times of trial, thats the goal. To continue to have a positive effect during tribulations, thats the seeked- after attribute. The Sayyidatina Fatimah of the modern time, thats the vision.

Ok lets recharge.

- Sam❤

12 March 2020/ 17 Rejab 1441 - GREEN

Today was one of those exhausting day. And yet it was a meaningful one.

It was meaningful because today I learnt about how to handle demands - through hugs.

The one thing the kids need is show of affections, especially when they are tired and cranky. So what do we do when mummy is tired too? We all hug! Hahah

So mummy may still be tired at the end of the day, but alhamdulillah for the power of hugs, mummy didnt get cranky, and the kids' crankyness died down too!

Hug more, hug often yall 😘


To more conscious days ahead,

Sam ❤

9 March 2020/14 Rajab 1441 - GREAT GREEN DAY

Today was a good day:

1) I was mostly conscious of where i put my energy, and how I should go through with today. Ofcourse not everything was ticked off from my to-do list, but I managed to lessen the load.

2) I forgave Mr hubby for what happened in the car the other night.

The argument was petty, but the effect was hurtful. It was hurtful, because it turned out, I could accept him, I could understand him - both his strengths and his limitations, as he progresses in his own journey of self-growth; but its not as easy for him to do so for me.

It was hurtful, but today I let myself be free from that hurt. My journey of self-progression is my own. Ofcourse I would have thrived better if he is to trust me fully, but that takes both our efforts in strengthening our trust for each other. So I take it as a battle that has yet to be won.

And its Hefni. I forgave him, because I cant do better than him. Because there is no one better to be my partner in raising our kids than him. He is, without a doubt, a thriver. Today's version of him is often always better than yesterday's, and thats the game changer for me. You can be such a gentleman, or the most patient person here, but if you are not consciously aware to upgrade yourself gradually, then you will only lose yourself.

The argument must have hurt him too. But he brought the kids out to play the next day, and brought me out for a fun night together. And we are back to our old selves again, joking and teasing each other.

What more can I ask for on a great green day like today. ❤


- Sam🎀

2 Mar 2020/ 7 Rejab 1441 - RED

"Leaders never use the word failure. They look upon setbacks as learning experiences" - Brian Tracy

Today was another defeat setback. 

Sometimes you tend to make the same mistake over and over, and over again, which leads you to believe that you are incapable of change. You try this, you try that, and the more you strive, the more mistakes surface. Its like you are glued to a corner of a wheel and though at times you on top and feeling like you are above life challenges, and the next thing you know, ops! Its as if you learnt nothing from your past mistakes. 

Just 10 minute ago, I was in that state. State of kicking yourself hard. And part of me believes that I deserved it. You know for professions like parents or leaders, its a huge weight on our shoulders as our actions directly affect those we care for. And if we need to care for innocent little humans that at times dont look so innocent, nor human, its something that can "make us go cray cray", as one of my sister would say. Most part cause we often think we are responsible for their actions. 

But we are not.

We are not and should not be responsible for others' actions, be it our kids, or otherwise. What we are responsible for, is our own actions and our own reactions. Because how you expect a human being to be responsible for other people's actions when its an element that cant be controlled? Ultimately these kids are individuals themselves and they makes their own decisions, whether we parents like it or we dont. 

So this recurring setback brings me to this understanding. And an understanding stays an understanding until I put this into my daily practises. So I take this setback as an upportunity for growth.

Conquering one habit at a time, 

Till next time.

28 February 2020/4 Rejab 1441 - Blue

So basically we didnt follow the day as per routine. Days without routine are days at the grandma, and thats ok.

In the past it would have been difficult for me to allow the kids to go without rules at grandma's. Cause it is their happy place - the space where they automatically understand that rules dont apply. They can take out ALL the toys without cleaning them back. They can mix playdoh and paint with other dry toys. They can walk around the house with food in their mouths. And TV is on all day. And snack times, those are stuffing-your-face-in-candies time. And they DEMAND from grandma with little respect - and grandma allows it.

So everytime we go over, I would always be angry over something. Either it's "too much candy, mum!", or it's "why is it such a messss?!, or "sit sit sit!! And why are you holding your food around without a plate?!", my tone would always sound angry. And Afrah notices it. Recently she said, "you are always angry at nenek house. So when I go to sleep, I will go 'grrr!', cause I feel mad." 

And that was it, the wake up call. This demeanor I have with how mum treats my kids is not a good example for my kids, and the relationship was not healthy for both mum and me. I judged her too much. My head was always filled with anger for the weaknesses she had around the kids. I wasnt giving her the space, or the benefit of the doubt that she was trying her very best at the time. 

So I stopped being angry, and I stopped to try to control what I cant. I will exert my rules into the kids when they are there, in a more positive manner, but if I fail to do so at that particular time, then its alright. I let mum treat the kids how she feels its best for them, and I give her that space to spend quality time with my kids without my judgmental myself getting in the way of that. Over time, I learn to respect her and the rules of her house, cause it is her house, and it is her grandkids.

Today I learn what matters most is the relationship we have with each other. Mum and me, kids and mum, kids and me. If exerting rules, or teaching the kids values severs that, then I stop. There is always another time for that. But relationship and trust, once severed, you may never get it back.

I feel better going to bed smiling, heart filled with love and forgiveness. And to see the kids smiling, heart filled with love and happiness.

Till then,

Sam ❤

25 February 2020/1 Rejab 1441 - Today was Orange

Today's demands were unbearable. And ofcourse if we are pointing fingers, its me who allowed it to be unbearable.

I wanted to help my sister feel less alone by inviting her for dinner.

I wanted to make my husband feel good about himself by ensuring I looked, and smelled the part when he reached home, which was dinner time as well.

And of course, dinnertime was the time kids were to already be ready for bed.

Today at dinnertime,

The kids were not ready. Routine has always been - eat dinner, brush teeth, change to pjs, read a book, or two, or three, then sleep. Today when Afrah wanted to play instead of going straight to bed, I allowed her. Then she asked for more. And then Ulfah asked for more. And much more. And more. I was already failing the battle here.

And knowing I invited my sister over, with my hands full, and then some, dinner was yet to be served.

And Hefni was home then too. He tried to help... but see, the night was already lost when I compromised the kids' sleep. Because by 8, when I managed to set the table and prayed, Iffah was still not ready for bed, and the kids were fighting over toys. And hurting each other. They began crying over little things and I was exhausted. Extremely drained out, both physically and emotionally. Then more mistakes kept pouring in. I made known my turmoil by using my authority to make the kids listen so as to fasten the process to bed. I used force, I used yelling, then I apologised, then I yelled some more, and in the end I disengaged myself from them. Whatever demands they cried and stormed their feet for, I shut them off.

We went to bed crying and apologising, hugging and kissing and telling each other our "I love yous", but deep down I know, Ive lost. I was beaten up bad. And while typing this, Iffah keeps waking up crying, maybe too tired from all the chaos that happened in the span of those 2 hours, that she now becomes restless in her sleep. From 7 - 9pm. It takes 2 hours to make a mother of 3 feels like shit.

I guess the only way to end today positively, is to know that tomorrow is another day for improvement. And that its bookclub day. Atleast I would then be able to have some me time to reenergise and realign my focus and priorities.

Here's hoping today was better and more productive for the rest of you.

With love,

Sam ❤