25 February 2020/1 Rejab 1441 - Today was Orange
Today's demands were unbearable. And ofcourse if we are pointing fingers, its me who allowed it to be unbearable.
I wanted to help my sister feel less alone by inviting her for dinner.
I wanted to make my husband feel good about himself by ensuring I looked, and smelled the part when he reached home, which was dinner time as well.
And of course, dinnertime was the time kids were to already be ready for bed.
Today at dinnertime,
The kids were not ready. Routine has always been - eat dinner, brush teeth, change to pjs, read a book, or two, or three, then sleep. Today when Afrah wanted to play instead of going straight to bed, I allowed her. Then she asked for more. And then Ulfah asked for more. And much more. And more. I was already failing the battle here.
And knowing I invited my sister over, with my hands full, and then some, dinner was yet to be served.
And Hefni was home then too. He tried to help... but see, the night was already lost when I compromised the kids' sleep. Because by 8, when I managed to set the table and prayed, Iffah was still not ready for bed, and the kids were fighting over toys. And hurting each other. They began crying over little things and I was exhausted. Extremely drained out, both physically and emotionally. Then more mistakes kept pouring in. I made known my turmoil by using my authority to make the kids listen so as to fasten the process to bed. I used force, I used yelling, then I apologised, then I yelled some more, and in the end I disengaged myself from them. Whatever demands they cried and stormed their feet for, I shut them off.
We went to bed crying and apologising, hugging and kissing and telling each other our "I love yous", but deep down I know, Ive lost. I was beaten up bad. And while typing this, Iffah keeps waking up crying, maybe too tired from all the chaos that happened in the span of those 2 hours, that she now becomes restless in her sleep. From 7 - 9pm. It takes 2 hours to make a mother of 3 feels like shit.
I guess the only way to end today positively, is to know that tomorrow is another day for improvement. And that its bookclub day. Atleast I would then be able to have some me time to reenergise and realign my focus and priorities.
Here's hoping today was better and more productive for the rest of you.
With love,
Sam ❤
I wanted to help my sister feel less alone by inviting her for dinner.
I wanted to make my husband feel good about himself by ensuring I looked, and smelled the part when he reached home, which was dinner time as well.
And of course, dinnertime was the time kids were to already be ready for bed.
Today at dinnertime,
The kids were not ready. Routine has always been - eat dinner, brush teeth, change to pjs, read a book, or two, or three, then sleep. Today when Afrah wanted to play instead of going straight to bed, I allowed her. Then she asked for more. And then Ulfah asked for more. And much more. And more. I was already failing the battle here.
And knowing I invited my sister over, with my hands full, and then some, dinner was yet to be served.
And Hefni was home then too. He tried to help... but see, the night was already lost when I compromised the kids' sleep. Because by 8, when I managed to set the table and prayed, Iffah was still not ready for bed, and the kids were fighting over toys. And hurting each other. They began crying over little things and I was exhausted. Extremely drained out, both physically and emotionally. Then more mistakes kept pouring in. I made known my turmoil by using my authority to make the kids listen so as to fasten the process to bed. I used force, I used yelling, then I apologised, then I yelled some more, and in the end I disengaged myself from them. Whatever demands they cried and stormed their feet for, I shut them off.
We went to bed crying and apologising, hugging and kissing and telling each other our "I love yous", but deep down I know, Ive lost. I was beaten up bad. And while typing this, Iffah keeps waking up crying, maybe too tired from all the chaos that happened in the span of those 2 hours, that she now becomes restless in her sleep. From 7 - 9pm. It takes 2 hours to make a mother of 3 feels like shit.
I guess the only way to end today positively, is to know that tomorrow is another day for improvement. And that its bookclub day. Atleast I would then be able to have some me time to reenergise and realign my focus and priorities.
Here's hoping today was better and more productive for the rest of you.
With love,
Sam ❤
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