How I came to the expectation was due to what happened the day before.
I had a rough day prior, and learnt that a few friends gathered to have some reflective day with a new concept they recently discovered. If you know me well, you’d know I’m always down for a collective reflection day. I felt FOMO, and asked for a 2nd telecast.
As they were accommodating and trusted friends, they obliged to my request. I have to say, I anticipated a 360 degree mindset shift, with overnight transformation.
Who was I kidding.
For once, they were sharing something similar with what I’ve already been learning and implementing gradually at Dandrawi. If I were to be completely honest, I felt it was slightly messy and confusing. But to be fair, they rushed me through the concept as I had yet to read through the whole post explaining each section. Maybe if I had prepared myself and read them through before meeting them, I probably could learn better from it.
So I felt like I was back to square one that day - half trying to understand what each section of the concept actually meant, as even the subtopics were broad and could further be branched up, and half trying to be optimistic to the whole process, talking myself into believing the spark, or aha moment, would soon and eventually happen.
After some time attempting to stay positive, I think halfway deep down I gave up.
Then came the topic of ‘The Self’. What can’t we say about the self! There’s just endless!
One of them started with saying Nafs is bad. Haih I truly feel bad for our Nafs. But I didn’t delve into that. Remind me, to one day share with them about our dear Nafs. Some don’t realise that without our Nafs, we are void of feelings, void of desires and void of dreams. What’s a human being without those? None of us would want to grow, or have any will to live and reproduce. There would be no one attempting change, or strive to better themselves. Nafs is desire; and most forget desires are the driving force towards change. Of course Syaitan loves to whisper for our desires to be met without proper channels or rules. But we muslims have the proper channel - our Beloved Sayyidinan Nabi - to direct us to meet our desires the best and ethical way.
I didn’t want to delve into it as I was more focussed on getting served that day. So I talked about what I lacked - my lack in ability to define my feelings most times. That, I got some insights on. Sharing my feelings with trusted friends was one example. Journaling was another. That reminder pushed me further to continue my quest in jotting most things down here.
To be fully honest, there is still reluctance in sharing my feelings with anyone. Even H I don’t share everything with. What I’m capable amd brave enough to do now, is to share and name my feelings with The Al-Mighty, and His Beloved Nur Ala Nur to shine His Light onto me whenever I’m lost. I’d like to strengthen it there, first? Hmm let’s review this in a month or two.
Forming relationship is a mutual thing. And at times I struggle to find a balance where the meet-up is a win-win. Some days it a win-lose day. I did win that day, I did learn some things from them, and we got to share insights that help.
I do need to be able to be more open to changes and manage my expectations when things don’t go the way that I wanted it to.
My gut is telling me there’s a lot more to learn from this day. A lot more I could have done that allowed everyone to benefit further from. That, I have yet to be able to point out exactly how.
Till then, I’m keeping this tab open for further deep thinking, as of now Im calling it a night.
#prayingimforgivenforthewrongsidoknowandthoseidonot
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