FAMILY

 Today's discussion reminds me of how my state and life choice right now, is the total opposite of what my family defines success. When I say family, I'm including all the aunts and uncles, the whole extended version of it all. 

I may be wrong tho, but the vibe I got growing up was that, the only career that matter(ed) were those that comes with status ie doctor or lawyer or in my family, mum hoped I became an ustazah.

Even if Im not any of those above, to mum, which she was clear about especially recently, if Im not working, ie generating income of my own, Im not benefiting the society. 

When these topics of money or working comes up with her, I often laugh it off - knowing full well explaining to her about the purpose of my life choice will not be something she can comprehend, or relate with. 

Did it affect me then? I didnt think so. 

Does it affect me now thinking about it? Its more, disappointment. Because if she can relate or understand, means she can morally support me, which i guess must be a nice feeling to have.

But does it change my decision to stay home and focus my time solely on my kids? Absolutely not.

Im not blaming her tho. I used to bluntly go against her and told her "to be a mum and quit her job", so I m not one to hold in against her when she speaks her mind about my own parenting as well.😅

This post does not intend to disregard those who choose to work tho, or decide some other strategy for their family. In fact, it serves as a form of encouragement I hope. Cause if you need to work for example, or if you need your husband to stay home for the kids - to be the best of yourself to your family, then dont let anyone tell you otherwise. At the end of the day, all you need is just that quality time with your family. And Ive been honest when I say this to a few of my working mom friends, I honestly dont know how they can put their 100% at work, and come home to continue giving 100% to their family. And do it again the next day with vigor. It is something I have yet to be able to do, and its trully inspiring to see how strong a human being can be both inside and out.

Till date, Im more than convinced that the only way I can be the best version of myself to my family is if I focus most days on it (ofcourse not at all times, im a human being. You think im crazy??). 

I was not raised to know how to mom, nor did I learn to do so in school. Neither did I miraculously 'just know' exactly what to do or not to do right after my first child goes through my birth canal. 

I need time, to learn about my child, to learn about the phases a person goes through growing up, to learn about human behaviours, to learn about myself, in order to deliver this new found responsibility as a parent. Among other things.

Ofcourse, Ive set a time I will go back to 'work', which may be in a form of a job or maybe not. This is, afterall, the process of my life journey. 

Ultimately, how a person chooses to live his or her life should be entirely up to them. Sometimes all each of us need is a little faith, not only in Allah 'azza wajal, but also in each other. 

Although there are those few who may be nassicists, but generally I truly believe we all begin with good intention. 

We gotto listen to HSM when they go "WE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER~".

Anxiety to change

 And who doesnt fear change? Especially abrupt changes! 🖐

Living in today's pandemic bring out anxiety in most people. 

Last week it was back to heightened alert again and kids are kept back at home. 

It was abrupt change to routine, and for me, the help that I normally easily gets access to, ie some hours off kids during school time, and my mum who will always have her arms wide open to receive my kids whenever I needed her to, I now can't make use of. 

Fortunately for me, I still have support from Mr H and my in-laws, but these abrupt changes are not easy to just navigate, regroup, replan and execute. 

I think we all know and have heard that we should show kindness to ourselves, plan what we can do what we can and leave the rest to the Al-Mighty, so I am not gona delve into that.

I was just reminded though, that if its tough for us, it's tough for the young ones too. Knowing that kids' are still developing their self-awareness, breaking routine is not something they can easily grasp and be ok with. 

So mommas out there like me dealing with more-than-usual un-explained thantrums, from both their end and yours 😄, hang in there. Its ok for things to go haywire. Its the lessons at the end of the day, theres a lot more lesson to learn when things dont go our way. And thats also as beautiful as when kids play together harmoniously for a few collected moments haha.

This is growth, and growth is always positive.

Im worthy of love and belonging

 The one thing that keeps me optimistic; helps me to move forward through my days, is that validation that no matter how flawed I am, I am still loved. 

Though he has seen my worse-self, I am still loved. 

Through heated arguments that I selfishly push to win, I am still loved. 

With layers of bagels around my belly, ironically I am still loved. 

He loves me and accepts me for who I am, and that pushes me to do better in life.

I understand now why I seek his hugs at the end of the day. After a whole day of struggles and referee-ing between little humans, at most times defeated by my own inner demons, his hug serves as a validation that its safe; I am still worthy of love. I belong there in his arms.

I've been practising kissing and hugging the kids before they sleep, and saying I-love-yous as a way of ensuring they still know I love them, especially if I dont look like I do during the day, but I now understand the feeling and affirmation behind those smiles after those hugs.

 Its the feeling that they are safe - they are worthy of love, and so they wake up optimistic to venture the next day.

Whatever lessons we learn, whether being kids or adults, ultimately knowing that we are worthy of being loved, is the one that helps us open our arms to the other lessons learnt through this life journey. 

So thank you Sayang for this lesson.❤