28 February 2020/4 Rejab 1441 - Blue

So basically we didnt follow the day as per routine. Days without routine are days at the grandma, and thats ok.

In the past it would have been difficult for me to allow the kids to go without rules at grandma's. Cause it is their happy place - the space where they automatically understand that rules dont apply. They can take out ALL the toys without cleaning them back. They can mix playdoh and paint with other dry toys. They can walk around the house with food in their mouths. And TV is on all day. And snack times, those are stuffing-your-face-in-candies time. And they DEMAND from grandma with little respect - and grandma allows it.

So everytime we go over, I would always be angry over something. Either it's "too much candy, mum!", or it's "why is it such a messss?!, or "sit sit sit!! And why are you holding your food around without a plate?!", my tone would always sound angry. And Afrah notices it. Recently she said, "you are always angry at nenek house. So when I go to sleep, I will go 'grrr!', cause I feel mad." 

And that was it, the wake up call. This demeanor I have with how mum treats my kids is not a good example for my kids, and the relationship was not healthy for both mum and me. I judged her too much. My head was always filled with anger for the weaknesses she had around the kids. I wasnt giving her the space, or the benefit of the doubt that she was trying her very best at the time. 

So I stopped being angry, and I stopped to try to control what I cant. I will exert my rules into the kids when they are there, in a more positive manner, but if I fail to do so at that particular time, then its alright. I let mum treat the kids how she feels its best for them, and I give her that space to spend quality time with my kids without my judgmental myself getting in the way of that. Over time, I learn to respect her and the rules of her house, cause it is her house, and it is her grandkids.

Today I learn what matters most is the relationship we have with each other. Mum and me, kids and mum, kids and me. If exerting rules, or teaching the kids values severs that, then I stop. There is always another time for that. But relationship and trust, once severed, you may never get it back.

I feel better going to bed smiling, heart filled with love and forgiveness. And to see the kids smiling, heart filled with love and happiness.

Till then,

Sam ❤

25 February 2020/1 Rejab 1441 - Today was Orange

Today's demands were unbearable. And ofcourse if we are pointing fingers, its me who allowed it to be unbearable.

I wanted to help my sister feel less alone by inviting her for dinner.

I wanted to make my husband feel good about himself by ensuring I looked, and smelled the part when he reached home, which was dinner time as well.

And of course, dinnertime was the time kids were to already be ready for bed.

Today at dinnertime,

The kids were not ready. Routine has always been - eat dinner, brush teeth, change to pjs, read a book, or two, or three, then sleep. Today when Afrah wanted to play instead of going straight to bed, I allowed her. Then she asked for more. And then Ulfah asked for more. And much more. And more. I was already failing the battle here.

And knowing I invited my sister over, with my hands full, and then some, dinner was yet to be served.

And Hefni was home then too. He tried to help... but see, the night was already lost when I compromised the kids' sleep. Because by 8, when I managed to set the table and prayed, Iffah was still not ready for bed, and the kids were fighting over toys. And hurting each other. They began crying over little things and I was exhausted. Extremely drained out, both physically and emotionally. Then more mistakes kept pouring in. I made known my turmoil by using my authority to make the kids listen so as to fasten the process to bed. I used force, I used yelling, then I apologised, then I yelled some more, and in the end I disengaged myself from them. Whatever demands they cried and stormed their feet for, I shut them off.

We went to bed crying and apologising, hugging and kissing and telling each other our "I love yous", but deep down I know, Ive lost. I was beaten up bad. And while typing this, Iffah keeps waking up crying, maybe too tired from all the chaos that happened in the span of those 2 hours, that she now becomes restless in her sleep. From 7 - 9pm. It takes 2 hours to make a mother of 3 feels like shit.

I guess the only way to end today positively, is to know that tomorrow is another day for improvement. And that its bookclub day. Atleast I would then be able to have some me time to reenergise and realign my focus and priorities.

Here's hoping today was better and more productive for the rest of you.

With love,

Sam ❤