Day #5 of Journaling Journey (Stage #1: Building Relationships, and Strengthening Patience)

What I find people need most right now from me is 1) Trust and 2) Genuine interactions. 

I’ll be honest, this title or new job that I recently obtained has its fair share of stigma. I get this feeling most believe I’m here to scam their money away. Hmm I don’t know I sure hope I’m wrong, but the walls built are thick and tall.

Anyways I’ve strategised to take a step back, and recalibrate on how to share about this valuable path that I believe is super basic, and severely essential, for every individual to partake in. 

Because of how valuable my service is, I’m only going to share it with those who would like to put in the effort to at least be open enough to listen.

So right now if trust is the problem, I’d be the friend; yes as a financial advisor but I’m allowing myself to understand the people I meet, their background, their current struggles and what their aspirations are. This makes it simpler for me to  assess if they are in fact in the right state of mind and place to be ready to find ways where they can grow and change.

My message is simple - it’s all mindset. It’s all awareness - Its whether the person knows how our current times have changed from our parents’, and how our kids will be facing tougher challenges than us, financially or otherwise. Because discipline, consistency and perseverance is lacking, yet most want to see change and see them quick. I’m going to now focus on those whose eyes are wide open to the changes, and embracing them with a readiness to learn ways to get better. These people may be rare, but these people are those worth helping.

So all these people I’ve been meeting, I’m planting seeds. They do know what I offer, and if they are ready they’d have asked for more.

And right now, I’m loving this stage I’m at. I get to be myself and be a friend and a listening ear. And I get to see this world through the lens of people from different lifestyle and different walks of life. It’s both humbling, and fulfilling to do so. I’m right where I want to be, alhamdulillah. 

Day #4 of Journaling Journey (Outside looking in; from a 3rd person perspective)

 Walked on the treadmill a little longer than 40 minutes today yeah!

Listened to DOAC on Money Saving Experts and it really was a saver. They made it simple to understand, and allowed me to look into ways to explain this better to any average person. 

Did some cleaning and work prep before going out for my appointment.

Today I met an Indonesian Lawyer, whom I felt was struggling to find her footing here in Singapore, but learnt a lot from her experiences working here for the past 20 over years.

She described herself as idealist and naive growing up, and I could totally relate. 

Shared how her journey in the law industry was not at all a gradual progression up, and that office politics, or success was deemed possible only if you succeed first in kissing arses to those required for arses to be kissed. She also shared how social networking in Singapore was not really to network, but a hunting ground - bonds would only be made if it was deemed to be beneficial to them. And without much thought, ties severed once one was no longer seen to be valuable to them.

It’s brutal, when we muslims would have been in a better place collaborating instead of bringing each other down like this.

Lately, Allah has opened up my eyes to these group of people too. The AMP summit for once and the recent Pasir Panjang lady gave the exact vibe she was describing. 

As she was recalling her journey up till date as she is now a graduate on Indonesian Law, I could not help but feel inspired by her. Life had been challenging for an idealist like her, as she realised Eutopia does not exist. Yet she still had hopes. She still fought on, she still believed. Still idealistic, and a lot bookish as she also shared the books she had been reading. Currently on 7 rules of power - she encouraged me to read it too.

I love her spirit. And I hope we remain friends and remain beneficial to each other till Jannah.

And I pray she gets a job that’s more deserving of her soon.

Day #3 of Journaling Journey (Still Learning to be More Open)

There are days where I’m happy to serve others, while at times I seek to be served. Today I went out to see my friends, wishing to be served, and went home feeling unmet.

How I came to the expectation was due to what happened the day before. 

I had a rough day prior, and learnt that a few friends gathered to have some reflective day with a new concept they recently discovered. If you know me well, you’d know I’m always down for a collective reflection day. I felt FOMO, and asked for a 2nd telecast.

As they were accommodating and trusted friends, they obliged to my request. I have to say, I anticipated a 360 degree mindset shift, with overnight transformation.

Who was I kidding. 

For once, they were sharing something similar with what I’ve already been learning and implementing gradually at Dandrawi. If I were to be completely honest, I felt it was slightly messy and confusing. But to be fair, they rushed me through the concept as I had yet to read through the whole post explaining each section. Maybe if I had prepared myself and read them through before meeting them, I probably could learn better from it.

So I felt like I was back to square one that day - half trying to understand what each section of the concept actually meant, as even the subtopics were broad and could further be branched up, and half trying to be optimistic to the whole process, talking myself into believing the spark, or aha moment, would soon and eventually happen.

After some time attempting to stay positive, I think halfway deep down I gave up. 

Then came the topic of ‘The Self’. What can’t we say about the self! There’s just endless! 

One of them started with saying Nafs is bad. Haih I truly feel bad for our Nafs. But I didn’t delve into that. Remind me, to one day share with them about our dear Nafs. Some don’t realise that without our Nafs, we are void of feelings, void of desires and void of dreams. What’s a human being without those? None of us would want to grow, or have any will to live and reproduce. There would be no one attempting change, or strive to better themselves. Nafs is desire; and most forget desires are the driving force towards change. Of course Syaitan loves to whisper for our desires to be met without proper channels or rules. But we muslims have the proper channel - our Beloved Sayyidinan Nabi - to direct us to meet our desires the best and ethical way.

I didn’t want to delve into it as I was more focussed on getting served that day. So I talked about what I lacked - my lack in ability to define my feelings most times. That, I got some insights on. Sharing my feelings with trusted friends was one example. Journaling was another. That reminder pushed me further to continue my quest in jotting most things down here.

To be fully honest, there is still reluctance in sharing my feelings with anyone. Even H I don’t share everything with. What I’m capable amd brave enough to do now, is to share and name my feelings with The Al-Mighty, and His Beloved Nur Ala Nur to shine His Light onto me whenever I’m lost. I’d like to strengthen it there, first? Hmm let’s review this in a month or two.

Forming relationship is a mutual thing. And at times I struggle to find a balance where the meet-up is a win-win. Some days it a win-lose day. I did win that day, I did learn some things from them, and we got to share insights that help. 

I do need to be able to be more open to changes and manage my expectations when things don’t go the way that I wanted it to.

My gut is telling me there’s a lot more to learn from this day. A lot more I could have done that allowed everyone to benefit further from. That, I have yet to be able to point out exactly how. 

Till then, I’m keeping this tab open for further deep thinking, as of now Im calling it a night.

#prayingimforgivenforthewrongsidoknowandthoseidonot

Day #2 of Journaling Journey (Barbie World)

 Today I met a lady I got to know from LinkedIn. Honestly just writing this down and thinking about this feels draining, a lot like when I went to AMP Summit the other day - I believe the word is plastic? It felt plastic, Like Barbie and Ken.

She came with her 1-year-old baby, all smiles and cheers. At first our conversations were smooth and exchanges were mutual. But as she shared further on how she was working through most of her life after poly and listed her achievements till date, I could not help but felt distant. Not much of wanting to hear my side of the story I felt. Then went into assumptions and advices on how I should upgrade my life. Honestly If I were to close my eyes then, I’d assume she was an aged lady in her 60s.

Being early in my quest to further learn from anybody and everybody, I spent a good 3 hours with her, and walked with her and her baby home. I felt myself drifting away as she chirped on about her nanny? A lot of her stories didn’t add up, but I was careful not to ask questions that may sound rude or off-putting. 

She was nice to allow me to pray at her place though. That I was thankful for, as we were at Pasir Panjang, which I seldom frequent so I was not familiar with the area.

Towards the end, I recalled feeling uneasy. And although the relationship felt off, I shared with her about my services at work, which I feel was uncalled for. Walking home, I promised myself not to stoop that low in the future. 

I felt that I lost that day. And since we are to be honest here, there was a heavy feeling of regret and disappointment. 

I’m mostly disappointed in myself for being too obliging. I could arrange for a meet-up that’s convenient for us both, instead I allowed her to dictate the meeting arrangements. I could also politely ask what her intention for meeting me was, as till now I’m still lost as to what that is. And I could have detected the superficial vibe early and either reversed-dominate the conversation to allow for a more fruitful meet-up, or stopped the meeting early to not wasted any more of our times.

Regret, mostly because that half a day could be better spent elsewhere. But I’m thankful. Thankful I now get to place this icky feeling in its rightful place, to know that the next time I sense such a hunch; I should reassess to consider whether or not I should delve further into strengthening my bond with the person.

Ultimately, this serves as a strong lesson. It strengthens my belief that there is no other way to walk on this Earth other than striving for As-Siddiq - to be in constant genuinity and honesty. You can achieve great milestones or career ladder but if its all about you, what good do those achievements bring you?

Day #1 of Journaling Journey (Not Everyday Is Like This and That’s OK)

Today started off with Sahur, after months of pushing myself to pay off my fasts.

So that’s one win.

Then a stumble; as I felt sorry for my sleepy deprived-of-movement body, I laid down to rest.

Feeling guilty, I started scrolling to engage in virtual conversations, all while my head was still rested on the pillow.

“I’m fasting, so I should rest more today,” comes the following whisper.

But my hands were scrolling and typing and gaping to start whatever conversation I could get.

Messy. There was no direction. Plus the net was super noisy with each individual’s own chaos, especially threads. Too many complaints. Most complaints were directed about how others should or should not conduct.

Shit. A bad start to the day. Now my head was filled with unnecessary noise, and it was pulling me down to sink even deeper into my rest.

What happened next, I’m gonna be forever grateful for.

A simple yet genuine post, encouraging us to stay discipline, especially when it’s the opposite of what we wanted to do. Nothing new, just a strong purposeful reminder. It sparked a bit of positivity back. 

I decided to make today a productive day.

Folded my quilt. Took time to find a comfortable attire, having in mind I would be spending the whole rest of the day grinding in the office. 

My head though - it was still noisy. I could sense it. On the way to work I played and internalized Surah Al-Mulk. Over, and over, and over again. I felt the world slowed down, that it was kinder. Allah’s words. In the most angry of Surah, His words are still surrounded by His Gentleness and His Care. Soft, loving, like velvety cushion.

I felt immense gratitude for the beauty and the vastness of the universe. This. How Allah creates layers and layers of universe onto each other, and we are to care for a tiny planet in all of His Glory called Earth. Subhanallah. Subhanallah. Subhanallah.

And at work I grinded myself.

I wrote down the agenda of the day. Made clean my calendar.

Another win.

More outside noise - but this time I could handle it, I could draw the line.

And after 4 hours at work, I wanted to call it quits.

Asked others what made them stay at work knowing their family is at home where they could spend time with. One shared, “I come home, then who will pay the bills to continue to shelter my family?” And for once, I understood better the struggle of a provider of the family. May Allah bless all providers of their families and may they always be in Allah’s care and sustenance. 

So I borrowed his energy, and I stayed on. Called 8 people, 3 answered. 1 rejected, 1 maybe, 1 allowed me to meet-up to share further. That’s a win. 

The rejection was a win too - I always enjoyed a conversation when the exchange was genuine and mutual. This taught me to stay honest for when I need to place my boundaries - stay humble and truthful. A simple no has yet to kill anyone, and you’d be surprised with the bond you get to create by staying honest.

Right now I’m feeling beaten up. But I’m making myself write today down.

That’s another win.

Alhamdulillah wa Shukr liRasulillah.

#Stayingconsciousisthekey

Al-Hadi

 Caught.

Drenched.

Mind racing with thoughts.

Words scrambling, eyes dazed.

Heart tightened with shame.

As the wheels turn, cars sped past.

As I was about to reach for autopilot,

Your hand grazed me.

And there it was, Your presence seemed to say

"Be still now love, tomorrow we fight another day." 

So there I stayed, consumed in Your warm embrace.

And as I uttered Your Name I knew, You've held onto mine light years before this day.